Michael Bay diarrhea
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
