Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
