cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
