What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
