almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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