Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
