i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
