he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mom said you looked used
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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