My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
