I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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