Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
