i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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