is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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