We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
