I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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