rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
