his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
