So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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