so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
