he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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