I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
