On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
