Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
