She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
