somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
