My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
