i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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