I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
