I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
