hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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