Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
