I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
