Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
