Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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