You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Welp...herpes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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