I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
