some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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