someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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