I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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