The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
