i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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