You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
