dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
