it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
