GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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