tonight lets celebrate not being married
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
