I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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