Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
