Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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