you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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