someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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