I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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