pedialite and red bull = repair kit
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
