at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
