Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i already hear my dad disowning me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
