did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
